Never Ever
by rakko-chan
Summary: Tomoyo tries to get over her feelings for Sakura, Eriol tries to help her... in his own way. Angst! E+T fluff! Read it!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer:  I do not own Card Captor Sakura.  This is probably a good thing for all involved.  Please don't sue me. Never Ever Chapter One 

It was a day like any other in Tomoeda…the sky shone, the sun beamed down and sparkled off the emerald trees.  The same color as the eyes of the girl who was bouncing down the road, seeing nothing but the tawny haired boy walking next to her.

"Good morning, Sakura-chan!"  Another girl with called out, eyes turning up in a smile.  She had long, purplish-black hair and striking amethyst eyes.  Her body was slim and instilled with an entrancing, almost ethereal grace.  

"Eh?  Ah, Tomoyo-chan!  Good morning!"  She pulled one of her hands from Syaoran's loving grip to wave energetically at her friend.

_Are you still her _best_ friend?_

_Be quiet!_

Tomoyo jogged over to where Sakura walked, smiling.  "Good morning, Syaoran-kun."

"Morning."  Syaoran nodded in his usual curt manner.

"Ne, Sakura-chan, have you studied for the algebra test today?"

"Eh?  Algebra test?"  Sakura looked very clueless for a second.  "HOEEEE!!  I forgot!!!  Oh, I'm going to fail…"

"It's okay, Sakura-chan, I'll help-"

"I'll study with you, Sakura," Syaoran said at the same time.

"Thanks, Syaoran-kun!"  Sakura's face beamed with the sort of dazzling innocent gratitude only she could pull off.  But more than that, love.

"Okay, I think I have my notes in my backpack…" Syaoran's head disappeared as he hunted, papers rustling as he flipped through them.  It was only then that Sakura noticed the hurt expression on Tomoyo's face.

"Tomoyo-chan?"

Tomoyo fought back a sudden rising of tears.  _I make no sense,_ she told herself.

"I would have helped you study too…"

"Oh…" Sakura looked very sorry for making her friend sad.  "Um, Tomoyo-chan… Syaoran-kun's really good at making me understand, and… you're always doing so much anyway, I'm sure you have something better to do than just help me study for a test…" Syaoran's head popped out of the bag, and he brandished a handful of neat notes.  "Got 'em."

"Okay, let's go to the library!"  Sakura happily started dragging Syaoran toward the library, but turned around to Tomoyo, as if struck that she should say something before leaving.  "We'll be there if you need us."

And then she was gone.

Tomoyo felt a strange hollowness, and it occurred to her that as bad as the steady stabbing pain she felt when around Sakura was, the hollow, painful longing she felt when she wasn't around was worse.  It was impossible.  She should just go to class and forget about it.

The classroom was maybe a bit bigger than their elementary school class, maybe a little shabbier, and had a different teacher at the front… but besides that, it was pretty much the same.  There were some kids already there, even though class wouldn't start for a good twenty minutes.  Tomoyo didn't have any homework to do, so she sat staring idly out the window.  Straight through the window of the library, where she could see Sakura and Syaoran intently concentrating on a book, heads bent close together, talking quietly…

Maybe she should go talk to somebody.

Tomoyo drifted over to where Naoko had her nose stuck in a book, as usual.  "Good morning, Naoko-chan.  How are you?"

Naoko looked up, face beaming.  "I'm great, Tomoyo-chan!  Do you know what **this** is?"  She thrust the volume she was reading in front of Tomoyo's nose.

Tomoyo looked at it.  "A book?"

"Not just any book," Naoko sighed and went starry eyed.  "This is the latest book in the Akira Takeda Chronicles!  It's so cool!  I had to wait at the book store until midnight last night so I could get it as soon as it came out!"

Naoko's eyes burned with the fierce, obsessive joy Tomoyo had sometimes seen on her own face.

"I'm hoping to finish it before lunch break."

Naoko returned her attention to the book in a way that clearly stated that neither God, the eruption of Mt. Fuji, nor Aoki-sensei's scoldings would tear her away from it.

Tomoyo was staring at her mournfully and resigning herself to fifteen minutes of complete boredom when her savior entered the room.  Tomoyo felt her eyes come up in a sweet smile.

"Good morning, Hiiragizawa-kun!"

She waved at the dark-haired boy.  It was funny, she thought, how Eriol had grown up so much and yet hardly changed at all.  He had become very tall, and although Syaoran had managed to catch up with him in the height department, he still couldn't quite pass him.  He complained that Eriol had the advantage of being half-English.  He was still almost too pale to be healthy, still had the glasses and the midnight-black hair, and still had that same, constant, painted-on smile.

"Good morning, Daidouji-san," He looked around.  "Where are Sakura-san and Li-kun?"

"Studying in the library.  Sakura-chan forgot about the algebra test.  So Li-kun is helping her."

Eriol smiled.  Tomoyo had never seen him get less than an A+ on a test.  "If he's helping her, I'm sure she'll be fine."

Tomoyo felt a stab inside her chest.

"Did _you_ study for the test, Daidouji-san?"

She matched him smile for smile.  "Of course, Hiiragizawa-kun.  For a few minutes, at least.  Algebra isn't really all that hard."

Eriol smiled at her even more brightly.  "Yes, I always thought it was quite understandable until I got into calculus."

They continued chatting and making pleasant small talk.  Hiiragizawa-kun, always a good conversationalist.  Always so cheerful, polite and smiling.  Practically perfect in every way, to quote some American movie.  Yet, she was wary of him, and had never tried to get on a more personal level with him.  She had spoken truth when she said she thought he had a very kind heart, and she did genuinely admire and like him for that.  But she could also see the darkness lurking in his eyes, and the shadows he kept inside unnerved her.  She had seen them in full measure the night he called darkness upon the city, and she had been scared.  She got used to thinking of him as a normal friend, a child like herself and all the rest, but sometimes when he talked about magic or the past, she'd see something in him older, wiser and deeper than she felt she could comprehend.

Still, he was good for some pre-school small talk.

After school, Sakura, Syaoran, Eriol and Tomoyo all got ice cream and went to the park.  Eriol usually wasn't invited on such outings and seemed quite glad to be included.  Syaoran kept shooting him skulky glares, though, and seemed altogether preoccupied to Tomoyo's eye.

Tomoyo felt happy and relaxed.  The sun was shining warmly from the bright blue sky, the birds were singing, and Sakura was by her side.  All was right within the world.  The park was such a perfect setting, with its beautiful flowering shrubs and trees, and gently flowing stream.  Sakura and Syaoran were even able to restrain themselves from being too lovey-dovey, much to her relief.

When they had finished their ice cream and were sitting around looking at the sky, Syaoran inched over and gently kissed Sakura.  Tomoyo felt a peculiar, but all too familiar tightening in her stomach.  Suddenly, her heart started pounding as she was hit by an overwhelming presentiment of disaster.

Syaoran knelt before her.

The tightening extended into her throat.  _Oh, God, no…_

"Sakura," He looked into her eyes.  "Could you please come to Hong Kong with me?"

This was even worse than she had ever expected.  He wasn't even leaving Sakura where she could _be _with her.  It was too cruel.  Tomoyo stared at them a split second, eyes clouding up.

She couldn't let Sakura-chan see her cry.  It would ruin everything.

Sakura gasped, Syaoran got an expression of terrible guilt and Eriol looked sharply after as Tomoyo ran, ripping out of the park.

It was too much.  Just too much.  Sakura was already being stolen from under her nose.  More and more, Sakura was with Syaoran, confiding in Syaoran, giving of herself unto Syaoran.  The small sweet moments, the whispered secrets, the stolen pieces of her soul, Tomoyo hardly ever got them anymore.  They used to be her lifeblood, where she got hope and nourishment to live on each day, but lately Sakura had been growing farther and farther from her.  Why couldn't Tomoyo grow away from _her_?  She felt herself grasping onto shards of a friendship that was fading away.  And now… this... Li-kun taking her away to a whole different continent.  Their friendship would never survive that.

And she would never get to see Sakura's smiling face again…

Incoherent thoughts flew around in her head as tears she had been too proud to let herself shed in public flowed down her cheeks.  The immediate concern of where she was pierced through for a moment, and she realized she was leaning against the wall of the high school gym.  School was long over, and there were no athletic clubs today; there wouldn't be anyone around.  She slumped against the wall, put her head between her legs and continued to sob as conflicting emotions and thoughts fought within her.

They say everyone needs a good cry once in a while.

After a while she heard soft footsteps approaching from the direction she had come.  If it was a student, they'd probably be sensible and walk away.  Maybe ask her if she was okay.  If it was someone coming after her…

"Daidouji-san?"

Only one voice could be that soft, that gentle, that polite.  And, probably more to the point have that strange little lilting English accent.

"Hiiragizawa-kun," she practically sobbed, voice raw.  "Go away."

"I don't think I should," he said carefully.

She really didn't want to talk to him.  If it were Li-kun she could have been angry; if it were Sakura-chan, at least it would have been Sakura-chan.  But Hiiragizawa-kun was at no fault; he wasn't even involved.  And so, of course, he was the one sent to see if she was okay.  Sent to make her feel better and see reason.  She didn't want to feel better!  She didn't wan to see reason!  She wanted to sit there, crying, forever and ever, complete and alone in her own misery.  Feeling better would just make this torment trivial.  Right now, she wanted to drown it.

But deeper, more than that… Hiiragizawa-kun was always very aware of all the people around him.  Almost as aware as she was.  So far, when Hiiragizawa-kun had tried to smile and get into her head, she had smiled right back and not let him.  But she felt so worn-out and vulnerable right now… those dark eyes would be able to see right to her core, and she wouldn't be able to do anything about it.  That terrified her.

Eriol was sitting quietly next to her.  Her eyes were shut tight, but she could feel his gaze on the side of her head.

"Do you want to talk about it, Daidouji-san?"

Tomoyo made a small sound between her knees.  She didn't say anything, and hoped he wouldn't, either.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, Tomoyo silent with her chest aching and eyes burning, praying with all her being that he would just leave, him staring at her with a mixture of concern and other emotions in his eyes.  Finally, Eriol broke the awkward silence.  Gently, carefully, painstakingly.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it, Daidouji-san?  It really does make you feel better.  Believe me, I have experience."

 She couldn't see it, but she could imagine the wry smile curving his lips.  And somehow, she didn't know why, she was growing angry with him.  Angry at everything.  Angry at him for coming and breaking her melancholy solitude, angry at Syaoran for taking Sakura away from her, angry at the world for putting her in a position like this, angry at herself for letting it come to it.  Not angry with Sakura, she could never be angry with Sakura, but still… she could feel the strange, reasonless, bitter feelings welling up inside her.

"Somehow, I don't think you or Clow-san ever shared their feelings with _anyone_, Hiiragizawa-kun," she muttered.

He chuckled a little.  "No, not really, but it was a good try."

After a few moments, apparently deciding the direct approach wasn't going to work, he switched to a subtler mode.  "Did you know, Tomoyo-san?" he said softly.  No, I didn't know, just _tell_ me, Hiiragizawa-kun, tell me, she though, chest aching even more with painful, bittersweet love, and anger, anger, yes, even hate for the blithely smiling boy beside her. 

He went on, staring at her intensely, but she didn't care about his eyes any more. "In all my years as Clow Reed, all my years studying magic and the powers of nature, I do not think I ever encountered a force in any form that can cause quite as much pain as love."

Something inside her snapped at this.  She unfolded herself, eyes burning with tears and anger.  "Love?!" she exclaimed, shouting at his perplexed looking form.  "What do _you _know about _love_?!  You know nothing, you're an immortal almighty sorcerer, you're too _powerful_ to fall in love with someone!!  And you thought Sakura-chan and Tsukishiro-san would fall in love, for Heaven's sake!!!  Then you're all mushy with Mizuki-sensei, go off to England with her, then come strolling back two years later, smiling as if nothing had ever happened!!  Why, I don't think you even loved her in the first place!!!"

It was a horrible thing to say, a huge amount of horrible things to say, and Tomoyo knew it.  Throughout her little tirade, Eriol had been watching patiently, eyes filled with concern for what his friend must be going through to say such things, but with a small smile still dancing on his lips.  But on the last comment, his smile snapped off like a light, and he stood abruptly.

"I loved Kaho with all my heart," He said simply, and every word was chipped from ice.  If she had thought his eyes were strange and cold at the Tokyo Tower, it was nothing to their chill now.  Tomoyo felt numb and horrible inside.  The one person who had come to help her, and she had succeeded in completely driving him away.  She felt a weight of guilt drop into her chest, on top of everything else.

_Oooooooh, I managed to make Hiiragizawa-kun mad!!_  The not-so-nice voice in her head exclaimed gleefully.  _And I think I really hurt him, too!!_

"I'll see you, Daidouji-san," He said coldly but politely, already standing.  He turned and walked away.

"Oh," He called back over his shoulder.  "And that trip to Hong Kong?  It was a vacation for a week.  Li's mother wants to see the girl he came back to Japan for.  They were going to take you."

Tomoyo stared after his retreating figure, filled with regret.  She had actually managed to alienate Hiiragizawa-kun.  And… why did that make her feel so horrible?

A/N:  I hope you've enjoyed the first chapter of my story!  This is pure, shameless E+T, so if you don't like them, you're out of luck  ^_~  Another chapter will be out in a week!

If you take a bit of your time to review this, I would be exceedingly grateful.  Flames are welcome.  They can be funny.

A fic named after an Ayumi Hamasaki song… this does not bode well…

Next chapter:  Apologies and a growing friendship.  Also, the only piece of Eriol POV in this whole fic o_O;


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer:  I admit it; I'm really Clamp writing under a pen name.  As a 15 year old American fangirl.  For a couple they don't even approve of.  Funny, huh? Never Ever Chapter Two 

Eriol had made a mistake, and he knew it.  Even as he walked away, the cold taste of anger had faded from his mouth.  He had let himself lose his temper.  He would have hit himself over the head, but he felt he had lost enough dignity that day.

He never lost his temper.  It just wasn't like him.  

Ah, the things love could do to a man.  Even faded, broken love that by all rights should be dead.

It still stung.  Being a perfectly grown up and mature person, he wasn't skulking about it like some lovesick teenager, but…   

He sighed.  No real use in pretending, at least to himself.  His mind may have been ancient, but he had the body of a teenage boy, and the same hormones were pumping through it as any other one.  He knew Nakuru and Spinel laughed at him behind his back.  Magical constructs, what did they know?

Well, it was more than that… he had had romances that hadn't worked out before.  Much more bitter ones than this, in fact.  It accounted for some of the greatest disasters and mysteries of Asia.  Like what happened to that poor, poor village east of Shanghai.  Eriol still winced a little when he thought of that.  He couldn't deny it… in spite of his calm appearance, Clow could be quite impulsive.

He had thought, somehow, that this one would be different.  He thought, maybe, with his new life, love would work differently.  It would take on that timeless, ethereal sheen it had in fairy tales and romance stories.  He had thought, with the surrender of half his power, he had removed the last obstacle to living and loving like a normal person.  But it seemed to have pushed her away from him rather than drawing her closer.

And she had at last drifted away like everyone else.  He smiled ironically.  True love… you'd think with all he'd lived, he'd have experienced it at least once, if only to have it cruelly and tragically torn away.  It would be worth having a broken heart, he thought, just to experience that depth of emotion.  Sometimes he wondered if he even had that much emotion left.

Heart-broken… poor Tomoyo.  Of all the people whose pain he had encountered, her case seemed acutely sad.  To have loved so fully, so long, so helplessly, and at such a young age.  The more rational part of his mind told him that it was merely an intense infatuation, but that part wasn't really involved at the moment, so he thought of it as actual love.  She was truly a wonderful person, and it saddened him to see how much it was already affecting her.  As time passed and she grew, she'd probably become weary of putting others before her, and lose faith in love completely.

Ah, but the world is a sad place.

Over the years, Eriol had developed a certain sense of fatalism, the feeling that fate would have its way no matter what he tried to do.  So it had always been.  No matter how terrible the prediction, no matter how hard he tried, he never seemed to accomplish anything.  But this time… he felt like he might have an impact on this young woman's life.  Maybe, for once, he could affect someone in a positive way.

Just maybe…

Tomoyo determined to apologize to him after school that day.  In the meantime, they avoided each other.  It was almost amusing how they could "avoid" each other while speaking and looking each other in the eye.  She didn't think he was still angry with her, because though emotion was blocked from his eyes, they weren't cold, just carefully neutral.  Tomoyo guessed hers were similarly reticent.  

After school, as they were all piling out of the building in an orderly fashion, she called out to his back, "Wait, Hiiragizawa-kun!"

He turned to her, looking slightly surprised.

"Can I talk to you a little?" She asked, slightly embarrassed.  "Somewhere else," She added, seeing some nearby people getting knowing smirks on their faces.

"Of course," He said, nodding.

They walked to the same park the prior day's picnic had been in, seating themselves on a bench surrounded by cherry trees and beautiful flowers.

" Daidouji-san?"  He probably already had a very good idea of why she wanted talk to him, but he was, as always polite.

"Hiiragizawa-kun," She said formally.  "I'd like to apologize for my conduct yesterday.  I was very upset, but it was wrong for me to lash out at someone who was only trying to help me.  I hope I didn't hurt you.  I'm sorry."

He smiled lightly at her formality.  Well, it was the way she had learned to deliver apologies while growing up. "I apologize as well, Daidouji-san.  I knew how upset you were, and I can only imagine how deeply hurt, but I still allowed myself to lose control."

They were silent for a moment.  "I suppose we were both hit at sensitive points yesterday," Tomoyo said, smiling wryly.

"And we both showed sides of ourselves we'd rather have not," Eriol added reflectively.

The easy frankness of their observations lent the conversation an open friendliness that was putting Tomoyo off her guard.  They looked at each other, and Tomoyo was caught in his eyes.  Hidden behind glasses, she couldn't even tell what color they were.  Only that they were dark.  Very dark.  Maybe.

"Hiiragizawa-kun, what color _are_ your eyes, anyway?"

Eriol chuckled.  "Who knows?  It's been the subject of much debate."

Tomoyo's childish side seized the opportunity to com out.  She didn't blame it; it didn't have very many chances.  "Take off your glasses," she ordered.

With barely contained amusement, he did so.  "Look at me.  I want to see what they look like without those glasses in front of them."

He looked at her with strange solemnity, but she could still see wisps of laughter in his eyes.  She peered into them intently, shaking off thoughts that without glasses they seemed somehow more beautiful and piercing.  They looked dark gray, she thought, with some blue mixed in the depths.  Or was that purple...?  Maybe it all melted together to make a deep black.   At this point she looked up at his hair, and with some surprise noted that it was somehow the same color.

"The verdict?" He asked, too serious to be true.

"Well… something of a dark gray mixed with blue and maybe some purple," She raised her eyebrows analytically.  "I'd be tempted to label them just gray or black, but that would be doing an injustice."

Eriol laughed.  "That's certainly the most comprehensive answer I've been given.  Doesn't do me much good, though.  Maybe I'll just call them hazel and be away with it."

As he talked, Tomoyo pinpointed the word she'd use to describe his eyes.  The color of shadows, the hue dark and ever shifting.  The realization reminded her who she was with, and made her wonder why she was still sitting here in the park with him, laughing and teasing and demanding he take off his glasses.  But she was being made careless by the birds singing in the trees and the warmth of the sun and his smile…

Eriol placed his glasses squarely back on his nose, and looked up at the cherry trees.  "The blossoms are especially beautiful this year, aren't they?"

Tomoyo looked up as well, eyes soft.  "They're always beautiful."

He shot her a piercing glance, but didn't say anything.

They were still a while, watching the cherry blossoms, their eyes occasionally tracing the path of a petal as it drifted toward the ground.  Tomoyo didn't notice Eriol staring at her, so entranced was she.

"Daidouji-san," He said, softly and suddenly.

"Yes?" She was still staring upwards.

"Since we've known each other for so many years… and seen so many carefully hidden sides of each other," He smiled wryly.  "Would it be alright if I had the audacity to call you Tomoyo-san?"

Now she was staring at him, eyes wide.  "Why would- that is- I… I suppose so."

"I'm glad," He smiled at her with that almost-sad tinge that occasionally lurked in his eyes.  He didn't ask her to call him Eriol-kun.  She'd have to decide when to do that herself.           

Tomoyo and Eriol said their goodbyes, and she was just leaving the park when she bumped into Sakura 

"Tomoyo-chan!"  Sakura beamed at her friend.  "I thought I'd find you here.  You were talking to Eriol-kun, weren't you?"

Tomoyo nodded.  Sakura giggled.  "Someone told me the two of you had run off together."

Tomoyo didn't deem that worth comment, and after a second Sakura spoke again, in a more serious tone.  "Anyway, Tomoyo-chan.  About yesterday… are you okay?"

Tomoyo smiled.  "Hai.  I think Hiiragizawa-kun cheered me up."

"Yokatta.  I've been spending a lot of time with Syaoran-kun lately, but I want you to know that you're still a very special friend to me and I love you a lot."

Tomoyo smiled again, a real smile, filled with more warmth, happiness and affection than her eyes alone could convey.  "Of course, Sakura-chan.  We'll always be good friends."

"Un!"  Satisfied that her friend was happy, Sakura switched topics.  "Hong Kong is going to be fun, isn't it?  Are you sure you don't want to come?"

"What?"

"Eriol-kun told us you didn't want to come…"

Tomoyo thought for a second, then smiled sadly.  "I probably don't.  I'm sure you and Li-kun will have a wonderful time together."

Sakura was a little puzzled by her sad look, but let it pass.  "Un!  There's way too much to see in just one trip!  We get to be there for two full weeks!  Clow-san used to live there, so I figure Eriol-kun must know a lot about it, but Syaoran-kun doesn't want him to come…"

"I can't imagine why!"  Tomoyo put on an innocent face.

"Eriol-kun is really nice.  I don't see why Syaoran-kun doesn't like him."

"This world holds many great mysteries."

Sakura frowned cutely.  "Ah, Tomoyo-chan, don't be sarcastic.  I know _why_ Syaoran-kun doesn't like Eriol-kun very much.  But Eriol-kun really has a kind heart, and I don't see why he can't just forgive him…"

Tomoyo smiled, again a little sadly.  "I wish everybody thought like you."

Sakura blushed.  "Tomoyo-chan… Well, um, I have to go make dinner.  See ya, Tomoyo-chan!"

She clicked on her roller blades and with the sound of wheels on pavement disappeared down the street.  Tomoyo smiled fondly.  Some things never changed.

Another day.  The clouds had closed in, and the sun glowed wanly through them.  It was pretty thoroughly gloomy.  Tomoyo sighed.  When the weather got like this, it could go on for weeks.

As Tomoyo walked to school (she no longer had the exact time she should leave home to "bump into" Sakura along the way) she noticed a figure in a long, expensive and old-fashioned looking coat with a Tomoeda Middle School uniform beneath it and dark hair trudging the same way as her.  Ah, Hiiragizawa-kun.

"Hiiragizawa-kun!  Good morning!"  She called, running up to him.  He turned to her, looking slightly surprised  (Was he always surprised when someone expressed a strong interest in talking with him?)

"Good morning, Tomoyo-san."

"I didn't know you came to school this way," Tomoyo commented, falling into stride with him and cocking an eyebrow.

"Yes, well, the motorcycle's in the shop," He said, grinning at her.

"M-motorcycle?"  Tomoyo stuttered, having a sudden mental picture of Eriol perched atop a Harley with a leather jacket and shades.

"Okay, so it was a bicycle," Eriol admitted.  "One of the wheels turned crooked, and Nakuru tried to fix it, but ended up dismembering the whole thing.  So I am reduced to walking to school with the common folk."

Tomoyo hmphed.  "Common folk, indeed.  If that's the way you're going to be, I just won't say hello to you in the morning anymore."

"Oh, don't do that, Tomoyo-san.  I'll be good, I promise…"

She laughed.  "I might forgive you."  She wondered for a moment when she had become this familiar and easy-going with Eriol, but it was too enjoyable talking with him like this for it to bother her too much.  With Sakura getting more and more distant whether she realized it or not, devoting herself to another, this kind of conversation had slipped away from her.  It was like she could be perfectly open with Eriol, and chat meaninglessly without worrying about anything.  She reflected that both him and Sakura's father were experts at exuding an aura of comfort.

Quite close to school, they ran into Sakura and Syaoran, attached at the hip as usual.  Tomoyo was fairly certain he got up a half hour earlier than necessary just to get to her house (which happened to be the same distance from the school as his, but in the exact opposite direction) in time to walk her to school.

They all exchanged morning greetings.  Sakura grinned mischievously at her friend.  "You and Eriol-kun seem to be spending a lot of time together lately.  At the park yesterday, walking to school together today…"

"Oh, we were so sick of seeing you and Li-kun flirting that we've decided to become a couple to preserve our mutual sanity."

"Hoe?"  Blink, blink.

"Never mind," It just wasn't possible to banter with Sakura the way she could with Eriol.

"Well, actually, I'm glad for you, Tomoyo-chan, having a boyfriend…"

"I'm joking!  Joking!!!"

She suddenly felt herself being swept off balance, and found herself in Eriol's arms with him staring down at her seductively.  "If you wish to keep our love a secret, my dear…"

Tomoyo's heart gave a strange leap in her chest.  She knew it was a complete and ridiculous joke, but she had never been held by a boy like this before, and she could feel his body around her and his eyes staring into hers were a deep blue-gray…

Blushing at the unfamiliar sensations and his audacity, she shoved herself out of his arms and glared at him.  "It is quite easy to hide something that doesn't exist, Hiiragizawa-kun."

Syaoran and Sakura laughed at their antics, while Eriol tried to maintain a hurt look that lasted for about five seconds.  Tomoyo laughed, too, trying to forget the feelings still glowing inside her.  Stupid, irrational… she didn't like not being in control of her own emotions.  It's not like he had meant anything by it, anyway.

Still, inside her chest, there was a longing…

A/N:  So… I don't think this is going to be a plausible E+T.  I don't think I have enough patience to write a plausible E+T ::sigh::  But there are very few plausible E+Ts out there, so I guess it doesn't matter that much… right?  

I wasn't going to put this up till this Monday, but I got impatient ^_^;

Mou… there was a problem with upload, and I had to replace this story with itself, and I lost all your kind reviews  :(  But still, thank you very, very much to all of those who were kind enough to review!  Thank you very, very much in advanced to all those who will review this chapter!

Next chapter:  Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to Eriol's house we go!  Also, fluff in the rain.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer:  Card Captor Sakura isn't mine.  Kapisce? Chapter Three 

A few days later Eriol invited her to his house.  Tomoyo herself rarely had people over to her house – even Sakura hadn't been there until over a year of knowing her.  But that was mostly because she didn't like intimidating people with her wealth.  She supposed that if she had as big of a house as Eriol with only two people (and one plushie) living in it, she'd probably invite people over, too.

Eriol's house was big and brooding.  It managed to convey the feeling of a dark, magnificent and dusty mansion without actually _being_ a mansion.  Yet, despite appearances, there was something very tranquil and comforting about it.  The sun seemed to shine harder when you were in the garden, which either Eriol or Nakuru had spent a lot of time on.

Eriol appointed himself cheerful tour guide.  He took her around the garden, showed her the best flowers, and let her feed the koi in the pond behind the house.  When they went inside, Nakuru showed up, apparently as the tour guide's assistant.  The house was definitely old fashioned, and would stay that way as long as Eriol had his say, but in the room next to the one with the Throne of Evil (as introduced by her), Nakuru had somehow managed to install a full home-entertainment system that she liked to watch at a very loud volume in the middle of the night.

"That's when the interesting shows come on!"  Nakuru protested.  Eriol smiled indulgently while Spinel shot her a withering look.  If he ever becomes a father he will spoil his children terribly, Tomoyo thought.

Nakuru showed Tomoyo her bedroom, which was decorated with the very latest in Japanese Cuteness.  If there was one thing the Japanese knew how to do, it was make things insanely cute, and every available inch of space was covered with adorable patterns, logos and characters.  And pink.  Much pink.  Even Tomoyo, the creator of many costumes that could make most people's eyes roll in their sockets, had a hard time stomaching it.

Next stop was the kitchen, where Nakuru stayed to make some biscuits and tea, per Eriol's request.  Then they went upstairs.  Eriol showed her a study filled with books that looked both ancient and arcane, with a number of models and diagrams scattered around.  Tomoyo walked over to the desk, glancing back at Eriol to see if she had permission to look.  He nodded slightly.  She picked up the book on the desk, which looked like it was some kind of journal filled in with old-style Chinese.   

"What's this?"

She could feel Eriol's presence at her shoulder, guarded.  "It's a book of predictions made by Clow.  He wrote them towards the beginning of his career, when he was mostly a fortune-teller.  I don't think he intended them to come into the hands of his incarnation, but that's the cycle of fate for you."

Tomoyo turned around to stare at him.  "I thought you didn't want to know about the future anymore.  Isn't that why you split your magic with Sakura-chan's father?"

Eriol chuckled, and she heard the self-depreciation in it.  "That I did."  He walked over to one of the complex diagrams, and traced a line on it with his finger, almost tenderly.  "When I – Clow – was young, it was my greatest ambition to understand the workings of fate.  The way people meet and interact, how this affects other people, how that affects the world, and being able to trace those patterns into the future.  It was the greatest puzzle, the ultimate riddle to me, and my goal was to be able to see and understand it completely.  When I finally did accomplish that goal, I didn't know what to do, and so turned my attention to the Cards.  But, as time went on, I realized that knowledge was eating at my soul, and once my eyes were opened to the future I couldn't close them.  I was trapped in my own patterns."

"But now that I'm free I feel lost.  After so many years, I don't know where I am or where I'm going.  Even Kaho left me… now I'm just a fifteen year old who's not, living in a big old house with two creatures of my own creation, going through schooling I've already had, with no idea what I'll do when I'm finished with that.  I've taken to going through Clow's old writing's lately."

The room suddenly seemed very oppressive, and Tomoyo was struck by his loneliness.  She looked around again, and stepped into the middle, peering down at the old dusty hardwood.  Something lay thick in this room; she felt it shivering in the air and caressing her skin.  Something both infinitely strange and familiar.

"Eriol-kun," She said suddenly.  "Clow-san didn't just use this room as a study, did he?"

Eriol smiled.  "No.  He did most of his magic in this room as well.  Most people with no natural talent wouldn't be able to detect such a thing, but your natural perception combined with the fact that you've been around so much magic in the past has made you sensitive.  You are indeed extremely observant, Tomoyo-san."

Tomoyo smiled in gratification.  _He praises those he's fond of_, commented the observant voice in her head.  "Eriol-kun, let's see what else is on this floor."  Too much hung heavy in this room, magic and otherwise.

The final room was Eriol's bedroom.  The colors were as dark as the rest of the house, but it somehow felt brighter, cleaner.  It was comfortable yet elegant.  And the bed was huge.  It looked as if all three occupants of the house could pile in with room to spare.  In fact, one of the occupants already was on it.

"Spinel Sun," Eriol prodded him gently.  "Spinel Sun, say hello to our guest."

"Huh?"  Spinel blinked his luminous, cat-like eyes, looking down at the book of philosophy he had fallen asleep on, then at Eriol, then, then Tomoyo.  "You're one of Sakura's friends, aren't you?"

"Spinel Sun, meet Daidouji Tomoyo," Eriol presented her with a flourish.

"Ahhhh… Tomoyo-san," Spinel said in an I've-heard-a-lot-about-you tone.  Eriol shot him a warning look.

"What exactly has Hiiragizawa-kun said about me?"  Tomoyo asked, grinning.

"Oh, he speaks of a lovely young woman, full of compassion, who-"

_Be quiet, Eriol said quite clearly, if inaudibly._

Spinel couldn't disobey a direct order from his master, so he was.

Tomoyo, meanwhile, was thinking about what the dark little plushie had said.  Lovely… well, she got called that all the time, mostly by adults, but also sometimes people her own age.  She had been being called lovely for as long as she could remember, but somehow it felt different to be described as such by Eriol…

Compassionate.  She wasn't so sure about that one.  Perceptive and sensitive, maybe, yes.  But, on the other hand, it didn't do too well to be full of compassion when you saw as much as she did.

"Tea's ready!" Nakuru's cheerful voice called from the lower floor.  "Lots of sugar in yours, Suppi!"

Spinel hissed, but Tomoyo assured him that they could switch cups.

They had the tea on a small table in Eriol's backyard.  Eriol smiled as Spinel and Nakuru fought, and Tomoyo got into a discussion about philosophy with the plushie.  Tomoyo decided she liked Eriol's family, even if it was strange.  They were all happy and relaxed together, so much that it put even her at ease.  It was refreshing to see, especially since so many people she knew had families that were tense, at the point of breaking.  Even her own relationship with her mother was strained.

As they talked, Tomoyo glanced at Eriol and found him staring with far-off eyes at the pond a few feet away, teacup held in one hand.  She could even then sense his contentment, yet also his distance, happiness and old sadness mixing in his gaze.  For some reason, the sight made her heart jump.  She determinedly ignored it.

Ignoring things was a skill.

She should probably put more practice into it.  Tomoyo found she was good at just about everything she put an effort into.

Stupid hormones.

Tomoyo probably would have stayed after refreshments, but her bodyguards showed up with her limousine, and it was awkward to do just about anything with them around.  So she thanked her hosts for a lovely afternoon and bade them goodbye.  Her back retreated past the gate as one of her bodyguards asked her if she had had a good time with her "handsome young man" and she demanded to know what she meant by _that._

Eriol stared after her with a small smile on his face.

Nakuru grinned and nudged him.  "I like her," she said.

  
Tomoyo frowned up at the sky.  It had been looking like it wanted to rain for weeks now - but then, she rarely trusted the weather.  However, the rain was now fulfilling its promise, fat drops bursting as they hit the pavement.

She could have brought an umbrella, but that would have been unsporting.  In fact, she didn't even have a raincoat, just a windbreaker.

Oh well, nothing to be done about it.  She could get a bit wet.  It had been a long time since she last walked in the rain.

"Tomoyo-san!" a voice called behind her.  Tomoyo turned around, already half soaked.  There was Eriol who, of course, had an umbrella _and a raincoat.  He was actually running towards her, umbrella getting caught in the wind and almost carried away a few times.  Tomoyo laughed despite himself._

"You're drenched!" Eriol exclaimed when he reached her.  "Do you want to get pneumonia?"

Though slightly touched by his concern, Tomoyo giggled.  "You sound like one of my bodyguards."

"Speaking of which, why don't you have one of them pick you up?"

"They're not on-work until I leave school.  And the chauffeur is in the limo with my mother, so about the only thing I could do is call the mansion and have one of the maids pick me up, which would be rather humiliating.  Besides, it's just a little rain," Tomoyo concluded casually.  Unfortunately, at that moment, some cold rain managed to make its way down her neck and into her light shirt.   Despite herself, Tomoyo shivered.

Eriol frowned at her, then grumbled something to himself.  "Well, take off your jacket."

"Excuse me?"

"It's already wet, it'll only make you colder."

Somewhat hesitantly, Tomoyo took off her jacket.  A chill wind bit into her, and she shivered violently, deprived of an extra layer of protection.  "Hiiragizawa-kun, I don't think this-"

She stopped, almost gasping as something soft and heavy and very very warm dropped onto her shoulders.  Eriol had given her his coat.  "Hi – Hiiragizawa-kun..."

Eriol smiled at her, a soft smile like she had never seen on his face before.  It was filled with caring and so… sincere.  Like the tender smiles he gave Sakura, but still somehow different…  "Is that better?"

Tomoyo nodded, not trusting her mouth for words.  Eriol moved closer to her so they could both have the protection of the umbrella.  Tomoyo absentmindedly wiggled her arms into the sleeves of his coat.

Her heart and emotions were racing.  Emotions she'd never felt before, and some she had… for just one person.  She was so caught up in the moment she didn't dwell on these thoughts or the faint guilt they aroused, but rather Eriol's warmth, Eriol's closeness, Eriol's scent all around her.  She didn't really think a15 year-old had any right to be wearing after-shave, but that didn't stop her from being intoxicated by it.

"Tomoyo-san," He said in his deep voice, and he was so close to her that she could feel it rumbling in his chest.  "I think I should walk you home."

Tomoyo nodded again, entranced.

They walked, the rain drumming rhythmically on the umbrella above.  It was very peaceful.  Tomoyo was extremely aware of his physical presence, and wondered what was wrong with her.

They finally reached her house.  One part of her cried out in relief, while another was rather disappointed.  Eriol faced her and stepped back, taking his umbrella with him.  He stared at her for a long moment, and Tomoyo felt her heart flutter.  His eyes were very blue, dark and deep.

"Tomoyo-san."

"E-Eriol-ku…" Tomoyo's hand flew to her mouth as she realized what she had just said.  "Hiiragizawa."

Eriol smiled, eyes sparkling.  "That's fine, Tomoyo-san."

Tomoyo shook her head, blushing.  "See you tomorrow, Hiiragizawa-kun," she muttered, turning on her heel and practically running into her house.  Eriol stared after her, face expressionless.

Tomoyo burst into her room, short of breath from her fast pace.  She collapsed onto her bed, droplets of water shining like crystals on the dark hair spilling over her sheets.  Their softness was like a comfort.

What was her problem?  Why was she feeling this way?  She was already in love…  had been for the longest time… to the one person she knew would never return her emotions.

"Hiiragizawa-kun… Sakura-chan… " She whispered almost inaudibly, and felt like she might start crying again.

"I'm so confused…"

A/N:  I'm very sorry to the people who asked to be e-mailed about updates when the first chapter went up, but I lost all those reviews so I couldn't tell you _;;  Please don't hate me.

Eh, to the person who commented about Eriol's eyes…I have considered the color of his eyes _much_ too carefully.  First of all, let me make it clear that this is a manga-based story.  This is because I own all the second arc in print, but have only seen about two eps of the third season ^_^; Anyway, Eriol's color scheme is slightly different in the manga.  I've spent a while staring at my colored pics of him trying to figure out exactly what color his eyes were.  They look gray, but if you stare at them long enough (especially in the pic inside the front cover of the 10th tankouban) they look like they have some blue in them.  They're also the same color as his hair, maybe a bit lighter.  However, since they are colored with watercolor and CCS in general has a pretty pastel feeling to its colorings, it holds to reason that his hair (and therefore his eyes, since they're the same color) are rather darker that that.  I think this is substantiated by the fact that, while things are often faded out for effect in the manga, Eriol's eyes and hair are almost always shown as dark.  He's generally portrayed as a pretty dark character ^_^ Also, when the first E+Ts were published, nobody seemed to agree on his eye color.  It seemed every E+T had Eriol with different color eyes.  So those were kind of my thoughts on the subject.

…Er.  I put way too much thought into that, didn't I?

Anyway, please review and check back later!  One more chapter to go! ^^

Next chapter:  Tomoyo reaches a decision…


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer:  This is normally the point where I would attest no ownership of Card Captor Sakura (or Ayumi Hamasaki, for that matter), but I just got my allowance, so I'm feeling rich.  Bring on the lawyers, baby!  I've got $20!

Chapter Four 

Tomoyo moaned and rolled over.  Her afternoon snack sat on a tray in a corner, half-eaten.  Dinner would soon endure the same fate.  So far she had gotten no less than three maids, not to mention her whole congregation of bodyguards, knocking on her door to ask her if she was alright.  Honestly, couldn't a girl angst around here without getting interrupted?  She had enough to think about without having to deal with snoopy help.

She did indeed.  Lying on her bed, she thought about love. 

She had heard it said millions of times that young people didn't really know what love is.  Perhaps they were right… when she was 10 years old, she certainly hadn't known much about love.

She remembered her first meeting with Sakura, and even then being surprised by her warmth, and the returned warmth within her.  Come to think of it, she hadn't had any real friends before that… she was sure those girls she would talk to and have play dates with didn't count as real friends.  Not the kind who accepted her so completely, who she could trust and who would always trust her, who cared for her so deeply, even at first when they hardly knew her.  None like Sakura.

Sakura had amazed her.  She adored her.  She wanted to catch every  moment of her presence, be there for her if she ever had any problems, be the perfect best friend for her, never let that brilliant smile leave her face.  Photography was only a passing hobby of hers until she met Sakura.  She had never had a connection with someone like that; it was a completely new for her.  At some point, she had looked at this strange feeling, and decided it must be love.

She wondered what that feeling had really been.  Infatuation?  Puppy-dog love? The powerful but misidentified love of a friend.  Because she knew it wasn't love, not full love, not real love.  Back then, she truly wanted nothing but Sakura's happiness.  She knew it would make her happier than anything if she had her completely to herself, had all her smiles, affection, and heart.  But it was a far off fantasy; something she might daydream about but knew she could never truly fulfill.  So she settled for merely ensuring her happiness, making sure she ended up with someone who could make her happy, knowing her smiling face would make Tomoyo as happy as her.  It was an easy choice… and it caused her no pain.

Tomoyo sighed, rolling onto her stomach and pressing her face into her pillow.  Now she knew.  Real love hurt.

She had grown up a lot since then.  Everyone does, she supposed, in those five years of adolescence.  If it was an infatuation, or puppy love, she should have grown out of it.  Unfortunately, she was around Sakura every day, and she still amazed her, and her love had grown with her.  She thought… maybe she knew what real love was, now.  That intense emotion inside her heart, so acute that it tormented her.  That reason she lived, that feeling that could bring such pain and joy.  She sometimes looked at Syaoran and Sakura together, and it hurt, because she knew she could never have that.  But then, an embrace, a smile, a simple word of friendship from Sakura would give her pleasure as she could never have imagined.  It also made her want… more than friendship, more than an embrace, want all that Sakura had and held.  It was a terrible desire.  She thought that five years ago she would have been shocked and horrified at how selfish these feelings were, and that she could be angry when Sakura was happy.  She used to believe that love was purely having someone so precious to you that you wanted the best of everything in the world for them.  Even how you yourself felt was not that important; as long as the one you loved was happy.  

But… that wasn't how it felt now.  She wanted Sakura, but she could never have her, and it hurt, but she had to keep on the same smiling face that she had had on for all those years, because if she hurt Sakura-chan now, she thought it would hurt her even more than it would have when they were both children…

But, here she was, feeling things for Eriol.  How did that fit in with anything?  She knew a great deal of it was hormones, perhaps going into overkilldue to extensive repression, but she had to admit that wasn't the entirety of it.  Eriol was a gentle person with a kind heart, who had been very patient with her even when she was struggling with her own emotions.  He had his quirks and faults, but Tomoyo found they didn't do much to reduce her liking of him.

Okay.  So.  As Tomoyo liked to think of herself as a reasonably reasonable person, she tried to think it out.

Fact #1: She was admittedly in love with Sakura, and had been for some time.

Fact #2: She was beginning to display some sort of… feeling… for Hiiragizawa Eriol.

Problem: She was conflicting with herself.  Whenever she felt something for Eriol, she felt like she was being untrue to herself and Sakura.  It touched on something old and deep-running, making her recoil.  Besides, one should be in love with one person and one person only.  But lately, her feelings for Sakura had been causing her nothing but grief, to the point where it was interfering with the rest of her life.  Her outburst in the park the other day had made that evident enough.

So?

Solution: Resolve her feelings for Sakura.

Easier said than done.

Tomoyo stared at the ceiling, like she could find the answers she was looking for engraved between the tiles.  The soft sound of a 12-disk CD player changing records seemed amplified in the quiet room.  This music seemed different from her other ones…

Ah, she remembered this CD.  A cousin of hers, knowing she was a girl in her teens, had figured she'd like pop music and so got her the CD of a very popular artist for her birthday.  Though the music wasn't too bad, considering, none of it had interested her very much.  Except for one song…of course, this was the one starting to play at that very moment.  Tomoyo allowed herself to relax for a few minutes, listening to the words of the song.

_"Ever since before I was born_

_I kept searching for something that wouldn't change_

_I found it, I lost it, and sometimes_

_There were nights when I hurt people_

_If only a single one of your wishes could come true_

_If only a single one of your wished could come true_

_What would you pray for?_

_What would you pray to this sky for?_

_Though I wished for something with all my heart_

_Somewhere, I started learning to give up_

_I found it, I let go of it, and sometimes_

_There were nights when I hurt myself_

_If there were a thing I could offer to you          _

_If there were a thing I could offer to you_

_A sure and unchanging feeling_

_If you would smile for me even just a little_

_There would still be meaning to me living here_

_If you would long for me even just a little_

_I wonder if I would be permitted to keep on living here_

_If only a single one of your wishes could come true_

_If only a single one of your wished could come true_

_What would you pray for?_

_Hey, if there were a thing I could offer to you_

_If there were a thing I could offer to you_

_A sure and unchanging feeling_

_That's right, a sure and unchanging feeling_

_Hey, right here..."_

"If there was a thing I could give to you… a sure and unchanging feeling…" Tomoyo repeated softly.  "Sure and unchanging… that's why I'm having so much trouble.  My love of Sakura is the sure and unchanging thing in my life."

She curled up closer under the sheets.  "How can I let go of it…?"

There was a soft knock on the door.  "Tomoyo?"

Tomoyo sat upright in her bed.  "Okaasama?"

It was rare enough for her mother to be home, let alone this early, let alone in her room.

"What's wrong, Tomoyo?   The servant said you haven't come out of your room this whole afternoon."

"Nothing," Tomoyo answered, turning her head away.  The one time she didn't want her mother, she had to come poking into her business.

"Don't lie, Tomoyo.  It's rude.  Now let me in."

Tomoyo frowned, but couldn't disobey her mother.  She opened the door, eyes red and puffy, still in her now crumpled school uniform.  Sonomi took one look at her, said, "You've been crying, dear," and closed her in an embrace.  Tomoyo was nonplused by such obvious affection from her normally distant mother.

"What's wrong?" Her mother asked again, tone clearly stating that whoever was responsible would be subject to swift and painful retribution.

Tomoyo said nothing.

"Was it that boy you came home with?  Because any man who hurts you…"

Tomoyo realized the servants in this house were even nosier than she had thought.  She shook her head.  "It's not Hiiragizawa-kun."  Both were silent for a moment.

"Okaasama," Tomoyo looked up at her mother.  "Have you ever been in love?"

Sonomi smiled a bit wistfully.  "Yes."

"Were you in love with my father?"

A shadow passed over her face, and she bit her lip.  "I… of course I was."  
"Okaasama."  Tomoyo looked up at her with her dark violet eyes, always so wise and direct, and Sonomi knew that this was a serious conversation and she couldn't get away with any lies.  "I suppose I did love him… in a way.  I was quite fond of him."

"But he wasn't your first love?  Your true love?"

"No."

Tomoyo fell silent and looked like she was thinking about something.  Finally, "The one you loved was Sakura-chan's mother, right?"

Sonomi had learned not to be surprised by observance on her daughter's part, and simply nodded.

"Did you ever stop loving her?"

"No… never…"

Tomoyo looked her full in the face.  "Is that why you and my father got divorced?"

The question caused Sonomi too much pain to answer, but Tomoyo didn't mind.  She understood.  And she had gotten the answers she needed.

It was still raining when she showed up at his house.  Fortunately, she had thought to bring along an umbrella this time.  It was something of a storm, though, so she was still wet, with water shining on her thick dark hair, by the time she got to his doorstep.

He opened the door, and his eyes widened.  "Tomoyo-san."

Tomoyo blushed.  Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.  "I – you… you left your coat with me."  She hastily peeled off the garment and presented it to him two-handed.  "I wanted to give it back."

Eriol considered her carefully as he took back his coat.  It wasn't like Tomoyo to be this flustered.  "Did you walk all this way?  Come in and have some tea.  You must be chilled."  He offered her his hand.

Tomoyo took it and looked around nervously as he led her inside.  "Where is Nakuru-san?"

"Somewhere spending money and flirting, I'd suppose.  She makes it a point not to be in this house when it's raining.  Says it's too depressing."

On the contrary, Tomoyo thought the house felt quote warm and comforting.  Or maybe that was just Eriol's presence.  Like Sakura's father, he could emit that feeling quite strongly.

"I'll light the fire and you can dry off while I make some tea, okay?"

Tomoyo nodded, leaving herself to his ministrations.  She was beginning to understand how he sewed yukatas for summer festivals and packed lunches for Nakuru everyday.  He was almost like a mother.  Tomoyo giggled despite herself.    

Soon enough, she found herself wrapped in a warm blanket in front of a cozy fire.  Tomoyo decided she liked her mansion better when the weather was good, but Eriol's house was definitely best in a storm.  There were no usable fireplaces in her house, and all the blankets were ironed and placed onto beds with precise folds.

She heard Eriol busily moving around in the kitchen, and it brought her mind back to why she was there.  She wasn't sure how she was going to say what she had come to say.  In fact, she wasn't even sure _what she had come there to say.  All she knew was that she needed someone… someone to talk to, someone to listen, someone to understand.  She was nervous about opening herself to him, but she needed him to help finish this.  __Trust the kindness you know is in his heart, she told herself._

He finally brought the tea to her in a steaming cup.  She took a sip.  "This is excellent," she murmured.  "Thank you…"

Eriol smiled, knowing she was referring to more than the tea.  That tender smile again.

"Anou… E-Eriol-kun," The closeness of the name felt uncomfortable.  "I've been thinking… about Sakura-chan."

He remained silent, gaze regarding her steadily.  Reassuringly?  She hoped so… 

"I was thinking… I love her.  I have for a very long time.  But… that love… love's no good if it causes you nothing but pain.  If that is what love is, then I don't want it.  But… I was trying to let go and realized I can't… because I've made my love for Sakura-chan such a big part of my life.  My whole life, really."

"Tomoyo-san…" He reached out and embraced her in an embrace, an almost paternal action.  "It's okay… you don't have to let go of all of it at once…" His voice was so warm.  He was so warm.

"Eriol-kun… behind it all, no matter what, you're always so gentle.  I like it."

"I… I like you."

She felt his arms stiffen around her,   "Tomoyo-san…" he whispered, voice losing its warmth with shock.  "It's too soon."

She shook her head.  "No, it's not!  Help me, Eriol.  I'm beginning to think this is the only way I'm ever going to get over this is if I can take a big step, make a great leap.  Do something courageous I've never done before.  Please, Eriol… help me."

He looked into her great, deep violet eyes, staring up at him in pleading.  How could he resist her?  Yet, something about it felt so wrong… they were the same physical age, and she was certainly attractive (his raging hormones were confirming that fact at that very moment), but he was a legendary magician who had lived longer than any human memory, and now he was a cynical, disillusioned young man.  She was so young, so achingly pure, even more so for the fact that she had already loved and she was, now, begging him to love her.   How could he, of all people, spoil such a creature?

She could sense he was going to refuse, and so did the only thing she could think of to change his mind.  She pulled his head down and kissed him.

The kiss lasted rather longer than she had intended, and when they separated, both were flushed and breathing heavily.

If that was her first kiss, Eriol's common sense told him, and it most likely was, this was definitely a girl he should grab onto and not let go.

_But still…  the more morally inclined part of his mind protested._

_Careful, boy, the lewder part warned.  __You might make her have to kiss you again._

Tomoyo's mind was encased in a gentle glow, both as an after effect of the kiss, and because she thought Eriol was going to give in, if that dazed look on his face was any indication.

Hmm… the goofy smile he was beginning to show probably wasn't a bad sign, either.

Then he kissed her, passionately, and all thought disappeared from her mind.

She stared at him after he let her go, and he stared back, something a little like love, but not quite, not yet, in his eyes.  As he had said, it was too soon, but they could both try.  And she felt some of the loneliness she had been carrying all these years of loving with all her being and never even being acknowledged drop off, and her heart felt lighter than it had for such long time…

She smiled at him, and he felt relief inside.  "I'll take that as a yes?" she asked in a very soft voice.

He nodded.

She threw his arms around him in a way that was not quite romantic and whispered into his ear in a voice filled with joy: "Thank you."  And some weight fell off his heart, too.  Maybe he _could love this almost-broken girl, help heal her heart, and in return… have his heart healed as well._

He nodded again and hugged her back.  Within his arms, she felt a new emotion well up deep inside her, one she had never felt before.  It was something so warm and comforting, she felt she wanted to be with him forever and never stop feeling like this…

_Maybe this__, after all, is love._

-owari

Yay!!  Finished!!  Sorry if this ending disappointed anyone.  It just kind of… happened ^^; 

The first part (actually, most of…) this chapter seems really disjointed to me, probably the result of me shoving a piece of writing intended for another place in the story in there, since it didn't work our in its original position.  Sorry if Tomoyo's reasoning and decision seems really stilted/rushed/generally screwed up.

Thank you so very much, all that have reviewed!!!  You guys make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside ^_^ Counting those 13 erased reviews, this story has gotten 36 reviews, which I think is pretty respectable.  Thanks for all your praise and encouragement and support (and sometimes criticism).

Much thanks also goes to Liz, my ichiban no otomodachi, resident genius and proofreader.   Have I ever mentioned I love you?  Not in a Tomoyo way, of course.

The song in this chapter, which the story is named after, is "Never Ever" by Ayumi Hamasaki.  I like her songs a lot, and when I listened to this it seemed to go "Tomoyo!" at me.  You can find the original lyrics here.  The translation was done by me.

I thank you truly for reading all the way through this fic.  I hope you enjoyed it!


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